enhörning (enhorning) wrote,
enhörning
enhorning

Exclusion

It scares me how welcoming people are at Church. I don't know how to be a part of their community, many of which have known each other for decades. I don't want to be a part of their community. I want to be an unknown stranger, a barely visible shadow lurking at the edges of their congregation, to whom nobody pays any attention. I would be more comfortable that way. I am excluded, disconnected. I can't be a part of them - not because they exclude me, but because I exclude them. I know how to do naught else.

As I was starting to walk home coat-less from Church in the very gentle rain, a passing car slowed down, the driver opened the door, and asked "Ola, want a ride home?". I hastily shook my head and said no. I didn't need a ride home, but even more so, I was horrified of the thought of getting into that car with him. It would have left me too vulnerable, I would have been too close to somebody else, I would have been too available for a short bit of idle conversation, I would not have been private enough.

One could interpret the song closing the church services as applicable to my situation:
"Nu är livet här, jag borde hoppa på
Jag har inget att förlora, men jag stannar här ändå
Jag har vant mig vid att vänta, jag kan vänta länge än"
-Lisa Nilsson

(Rough translation:
"Now life is here, I should jump on
I have nothing to lose, yet I remain here
I'm so used to waiting, I can wait longer still"

Way back in my youth - it might have been at my graduation, but it might have been on some other occasion, I am not sure - there was a hymn on the congratulations card from my parents, hymn 90 in the Swedish book of hymns. I've always carried that one with me, even though I am not very good at following its advice. The first couple of lines are as follows:

"Blott i det öppna har du en möjlighet.
Låser du om dig kvävs och förtvinar du."

(Rough translation:
"Only out in the open, you have your possibility,
if you lock yourself in, you'll become smothered and atrophied.")

I don't know how to not put barriers around myself. How to not lock others out. People are too scary. I am terrified of them. It is enough of a struggle, going to Church and taking passive part in services and study groups. I don't know how to be part of their community, how to open myself up. They might welcome me, but I lack the ability to accept that welcome.
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